2018 was…

Mon 12/31/2018.

Times fly, and I haven’t been as good at this journaling thing again. Though I have been pretty accountable with my One Line a Day journal entries. It’s in part because my life has been saturated, replete with people these days. December 14th was the last day of fall semester classes, so Liam and Andrew came home the following day. The parents have also been home pretty consistently since then. Since the return of the boys, I’ve been spending a fair bit of time around them: watching Andrew somewhat intently play Fortnite, doing the domestic tasks of cooking, cleaning, and stringing Christmas lights, and lounging around with Liam. Maybe “lounging around” isn’t the right word. We did go to Burlington, VT after all — and it was another one of those times that’s so beautiful in essence, like a vibrant fall day draped in scarlet, burgundy, golden hues. A mahogany, rich dark red wood, unquestionable and formidable in its presence, yet streaked with light blonde tones. We hiked each of the days, but it wasn’t until after getting up around 10, making breakfast and lunch in a leisurely, sauntering manner that we left around noon, hiking from about 1-5 until after the sun had already descended. Dinner commenced and ended at a smattering of places, a delectable pizzeria – your standard warm and cosy, a family-run, run-down yet very affordable Vietnamese place, and a Himalayan restaurant, homemade cuisine so fine I still remember the delicate puffiness of the paneer. 

After the short four-day jaunt to Burlington (and technically, Dartmouth in Hanover NH where I snagged a deal on Brothers Karamazov at the soon-to-shut-its-doors Dartmouth Bookstore) the following days were somewhat full with Christmas and gift preparations. I still haven’t had much of the energy to complete tasks to the entirety I usually see them through, so many of the days I spent reading, eating, doing moderate exercise instead. I realize I still have quite a few people I would like to write cards for, and mail gifts out to in the following weeks.

On Christmas Eve, I also secured a part-time job. It was almost all-too-easy, the luck and privilege of social connection pulling through for me. Simultaneously, I was reading Adichie’s Americanah, which talks a lot about the lack of meritocracy in Nigeria, where social mobility stems from backwards dealings. So I’ll be beginning the job January 7th at an orthotics and prosthetics clinic, as an administrative assistant. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to search for answers in terms of health — why I’ve been feeling so damn fatigued and some days I just wake up feeling malaise creeping, lurking by my feet. More on this below.

The day after Christmas, I headed to Long Island with Liam’s family. All in all, it was a bit boring — I don’t know what I was expecting. To visit extended family is always a bore, and I don’t know why I imagined visiting another’s extended family would be much better. Who knows, Catherine? You’re always game for adventure. But I did see some new places, which usually claims forefront as the number one reason I say yes to everything even if it may be outside of my physical and mental capacity. After returning from Long Island, Liam and I cooked dinner that night — the usual “let’s just sauté some vegetables and pressure-cook a healthy grain”  doesn’t ever disappoint, and if you add Brussels sprouts to the mix all is well in the world again. Christine joined me the following morning, and since then we’ve been a-bread-baking, movie-watching, city-traveling, and soon-to-be café/donut shop exploring. Mikayla will join us tonight for a three-woman soiree (if I can even call it that, it’s more just a few drinks and such) in this beautiful and maybe all-too-affluent-seeming apartment, and afterwards we’ll make it over to the Harbor to watch some fireworks.

And that rather seamlessly brings me back to a recount of the last year, and what I wish to aspire and work for in the following one – 2019. 2018 was, in recent memory, the most challenging of years to date. Of course it had its lovely highs, but I think each high was just as equally matched by a seemingly ultimate low. In the spring, I was just constantly doing. Never questioning it, and living the Princeton life I thought was best for myself — but I was paradoxically unhappy. Between the milling about to running practice (marathon training for half the semester), politics classes interspersed with Organic Chemistry, Chinese, and Physics, to working in the dining hall, ushering, spending time with those I cared about, running some clothing swaps and such, I was fading. Exhausted and fatigued, not sleeping enough but wondering why I would feel so listless all day. I wanted to step back, but I couldn’t. Some days were happy enough, but there was the constant drone of stress, of adrenaline and looming cortisol on my mind, in my heart, consuming my brain. I ended the semester by the end of May feeling pretty depressed, anxious too, and days after working reunions I headed to Edinburgh.

Edinburgh was the light of the year, amidst new friends (thank you, thank you, Rozie and Miranda) and exploring the absolutely lovely, fairytale city, traveling to London and Dublin, fully-comprehending what scientific research entails, and to close it all out – city-hopping with Liam through France and Italy. It all was almost too good to be true. Troubles arose physically & noticeably for me by the end of July; running never felt quite as easy since then. Easy runs tapered off to nine minutes a mile, muscular fatigue set in, and by the time I was leading an Outdoor Action trip, I was tired tired tired. I attempted to keep running through it all, but even then I knew I had to stop. This was devastating, considering I always wanted running to be something more than it is, and up until now I have placed it front and center as my identity. Eventually, I did stop – my gut, thankfully, always knows what is right and what it needs. My heart also told me several weeks later that I should take time off from Princeton, something I never would have even considered six months to one year prior. By Thanksgiving, I had moved out, said goodbye to those dearest to me at school, and returned home.

I’ve been pretty occupied since then, but in a more nonchalant, relaxed way. So I’ve been happy overall. I’m trying to make sense of what happened this fall and this past year so I can move forward more resilient, and more sure of myself. This year, of course, wasn’t all negative at all. Each year, I feel myself caring so much less about social expectation, of realizing that the way we live is so socialized and cultured in a particular direction – and at the end of the day, each and every human being is so different, thinking in ways all other human beings most likely would not be able to comprehend. I think that is pretty profound. My relationships with so many people have become stronger, more meaningful.

Given that recount, I always like to use the New Year as an arbitrary-not-arbitrary marker to delineate what I wish to improve in, and do the following year. It’s convenient, at least, that there is an arbitrary marker such as the New Year to demarcate one file folder from the next.

In no particular order:

• Stay unapologetically curious. Ask questions, and seek answers for yourself.

• In terms of your fatigue, research the natural and pharmaceutical methods to treat adrenal fatigue, as well as other forms of fatigue. Keep your mind and heart open. 

• Stay religious, spiritual. Explore Buddhism, more Christianity.

• Read, I’ll post this list later.

• Keep your mind and heart open. Continue to love those around you. Do not judge other people, and if you do judge them never dwell on a judgment or regard it as immutable law.

• Do not associate your identity with running. Listen to your body, and don’t make it something more than it is.

• Learn Spanish, and learn how to code.

• Also consider taking Biochemistry in these months “off”

• Write more, opinion pieces, poems, try writing a journalism article. 

• Try to understand the objective, subjective, and inter-subjective.

• Read the news every day, or at least skim the headlines!

• Adopt a routine you can believe in: Wake up, meditate, coffee, oatmeal, etc. 

• Spend less time on Instagram, Facebook.

• Think about what you would like to do for the world. Career-wise, it will be social-based work, but environmental? Or medical?

• Don’t be afraid and have faith.

• Travel and have faith. To Spain, to hike the Appalachian Trail, don’t lose your curiosity because of fear. 

• Meditate.

• Don’t be jealous of other people.

• Start a donation fund // subscribe to websites // apps you find meaningful: Headspace, Harvard Health, Rosetta Stone (?)